Doing battle with daily dragons

Monday, February 28, 2005

Southern Exposure

When I was younger and babysat the kids next door, I seem to remember more than one incident of having to chase the boy of the family around the backyard trying to get him to put his pants back on. I find it interesting, 16 years or so later, that I’m routinely meeting grown-ups with the same problem on a regular basis.

I’m not entirely sure what property that alcohol possesses that makes men want to get their privates out in public. I used to think it was a virility thing, but in most cases, extreme alcohol intake, which is also necessary for the gall required to wave one’s wiener at people in the first place, renders the subject unable to perform. These gentlemen may be surprised to learn that the impulse of ANY woman who is subjected to such an exposure by a stranger will be one of two things: 1) Flight or 2) Violence to the offending body part. Perhaps, if the expos-er is lucky, he might stumble upon one of the .00004% of the female population that MIGHT, upon enough consumption of alcohol herself, be interested enough to take a closer look, but the odds are definitely NOT in his favor.

There are rather a lot of people with this affliction in pubs The Rock Star plays in. One charming individual this weekend threatened to expose himself to the the Rock Star midway through the first set. The Rock Star pointed out that if this turn of events was realized, the individual would receive “a right battering.” Faced with a much taller man with a large, heavy and expensively painted chunk of mahogany in his hands, the individual moved a good deal further off and, in half hearted defiance, bared his ass, which earned him a quick, and permanent trip out the door.

All in a working weekend.