Doing battle with daily dragons

Friday, April 22, 2005

The Season of Misery

Spring doth bloom with grace and ease,
And everything doth make me sneeze.
And suff’ring from the season’s kiss,
It’s a fucking shame my backyard doth look like this.


I would like to meet the evolutionary bright spark that invented allergies. I’d like to meet that abhorrent gene in a dark corner of the electron microscope slide and torture it with a pair of very sharp tweezers.

Okay, so spring comes, right? A time of blossoming, renewal and awakening after the long, dark months of cold. And some little bastard hiding out in the human genetic structure decides to become super sensitive to EVERYTHING THAT’S NATURALLY FLOATING THROUGH THE AIR. How does THAT constitute survival of the fittest? How is one supposed to shag with abandon with streaming eyes and a runny nose? It certainly decreases your chances of finding a partner without the aid of a brown paper bag.

The interesting thing to me is the way that we’ve come up with of TREATING these ailments. I’m not sure if this is hugely popular anymore, but when I was younger, I got allergy shots, because cleverly, I am allergic to DUST. (Stay away from THAT if you can. Human beings are walking dust factories, so it presents some interesting philosophical questions that I am, in fact, allergic to myself.) The serum in the bottles started out nearly clear, but after nearly a year of weekly shots, the liquid was almost black. To treat an allergy, you must expose yourself to it. Who was the first person to test THAT theory?

Pioneering Scientist: So, you’re allergic to cats, right?

Brave Volunteer: Horribly. I sneeze, break out in hives and my face swells up.

Pioneering Scientist: Okay, this might sound a bit wacky, but here, meet Fluffy.

Brave Volunteer: ACK! Achoo! (sound of face inflating)

Pioneering Scientist: Maybe I need to think this through.

Nowadays we have fancy pants drugs called antihistamines that block the nasty chemicals that cause the narrowing of air passageways.

Pioneering scientist: Okay, this might sound a bit wacky, but swallow this.

Brave Volunteer: Bite me.