Doing battle with daily dragons

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

The Worst Play in the Whole World

If someone set out to write the worst piece of theatre ever conceived in the whole history of mankind, it would have to contain these elements:

- A “dazzling” combination of mixed medias.

- A searing indictment of pop culture and its influence over the fragile human mind.

- Suicide.

- Religion.

- Lesbians.

- Vampires

My name is Galetea and I acted in this show. I was the lesbian. I only dredge up this painful memory because I just rediscovered the site of the playwright that inflicted this piece of theatrical damage on the, oh, 6 people who actually came to watch it. He seems to have turned his hand to music now, which is fine by me, as long as I never have to listen to it, because I imagine that it might be a lot like his prose and then I’d have to find something sharp to kill him with. What bothered me most about this play was the fact that SOMEWHERE along the line, SOMEONE must have been asked "What do you think?" and instead of nipping the awful piece cruelly, but humanely, in the bud, they offered ENCOURAGEMENT. “It’s great, man,” they must have said, “it totally moved me.” DAMN THEM TO THE PURGING FLAMES OF HELL FOR THEIR DISSERVICE TO HUMANITY, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, AESTHETICS.

Just for the record, my part was actually recorded on video, so I didn’t have to take to the stage to perform in this monstrosity. Instead, I sat in the audience with my mouth hanging open watching the horror unfold in front of me. I wanted to grab The Rock Star and run, but unfortunately, Mr. Genius Playwright Boy was sitting in the seat right behind me.

I played an aggressive lesbian talent scout and trying to seduce/intimidate a girl who was 6 feet tall and actually LOOKED like a vampire. (Her day job was pretending to be a waxwork at the London Dungeon and giving heart attacks to fat American tourists.)

For my dedication to my art, I was paid the generous sum of £10 and a silver zippo lighter. He couldn’t have thrown in a pack of cigarettes?