Doing battle with daily dragons

Monday, June 13, 2005

Miss Potamus's School Of Manners

What I learned over the weekend.

When venturing out with friends, the first thing on one’s mind is “What shall I wear?

Ladies- When dressing for the evening, consider the image that you wish to present to the world. If you are desirous of attracting a gentleman, dress modestly and flatteringly. If you are just out to pick up any old wanker, by all means, tits out.

Gentlemen- A shower is a good start. Considering that after a few beverages you may wish to put your arms around a chum, a member of the opposite sex or perhaps a complete stranger, please do not skimp on the Right Guard.

Upon entering a leisure establishment, politeness to the large door custodians is a must. Here is an acceptable manner of address.

Custodian: I’ll have to search you.

You: Certainly, sir. Perfectly understandable. Can’t be too careful these days.

Here is an UNacceptable exchange:

Custodian: I’ll have to search you.

You: The hell you will.

The number of large, prominent scars on a custodian’s face might help you to remember that it always pays to be polite.

Once inside, you will undoubtedly seek liquid refreshment. Drinking establishments in this day and age are often crowded, leading to spillage. Take your time leaving the bar and if you ARE unfortunate enough to spill bits or indeed, the whole of your drink, please remember:

-Should you spill half a pint of Carling down a ladies’ back, take a moment to stop, apologise and perhaps offer to fetch her a bar towel to prevent her from having to spend the rest of the evening with beer-flavoured underclothes. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES offer to lick the remainder of the drink off of her.

-If someone in your party wishes to refrain from drinking, it is bad form to refer to them as a “pussy”, a “lightweight” or “gay.”

-Bottles are for drinking out of, not for fighting with.

If it is your good fortune to have entered a drinking establishment that features live entertainment, then a jolly evening is in store for all.

-The Lady Terpsichore will always weave her wicked spell when music is in the air! It is up to you to show consideration for your fellow dancers. Keep your movements gentle and confine them to a reasonable personal space. Do not flail, grind, spin or freak those around you.

-Always ask permission before attempting to dance with another patron. There is a possibility that her partner might be nearby, or if you are very unlucky, on-stage, holding a very heavy chunk of mahogany and contemplating what kind of amplified noise it might make when it cracks your skull open.

-If you find yourself attracted to one of the gentlemen performers, try to restrain yourself from suggesting to him that you wish to engage in sexual congress in the toilets. At the very least, have the decency to do so in the alley behind the establishment where you will offend no one other than the local rough sleeper.

The evening is at an end and it has been memorable. Although you may be insensible with drink, it is still sensible to mind your manners.

-When the large door custodians comes to your table and bellow that it is now time to vacate the premises, and appropriate response is:

You: Of course, my good man. Many thanks for a job well done.

And not:

You: Make me.

Because they undoubtedly will.