Doing battle with daily dragons

Thursday, September 22, 2005

A Festive Warning

A message to all of those retailers that I’ve seen stealthily sneaking suspicious red and green boxes with pictures of holly on them into their stock shelves for the past two weeks:

KNOCK IT OFF. I’M SERIOUS. CHRISTMAS IS OVER 3 MONTHS AWAY AND I’VE GOT HALLOWEEN AND THANKSGIVING TO ENJOY BEFORE I DRAG OUT THE TINSEL AND MY “CHRISTMAS WITH FRANK AND BING” CD. (really.)

IF I SEE ONE MORE BOX OF CHRISTMAS CAKE OR HOLIDAY FAMILY ASSORTMANT CHOCOLATE SELECTIONS, I’M GOING TO SHOVE A MINCE PIE SO FAR UP YOUR ASSES YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF FRUITY HOLIDAY GOODNESS HIT YOU.

I’m having a bit of festive grumpiness today as I’ve spent some time on the phone ordering Christmas cards for two separate companies. Did I mention that I’ve got the window open and the fan running due to the fact that it’s over 70F outside?

Ask anyone who knows me and you will find out that I looooooove Christmas. I could lick Christmas from head to toe. I’m all over Christmas.

BUT NOT WHILE I’M STILL WEARING FLIP FLOPS.

I inherited Extreme Christmas Joy from my mother who made every festive season in our house while I was growing up utterly amazing with holiday breakfasts, beautiful decorations, fairy lights, extravagant gift-giving and music. I attempt to emulate her enthusiasm here in my own home although I am severely limited in the space and cash departments. I was even the one that convinced my mother-in-law after 6 years to get a proper fairy for the top of their tree to replace the “Holiday Slapper” who topped it when I arrived. (No joke, it was a Barbie Doll in a pink dress and she bugged me big time.) What it all boils down to is that, when the time comes, I am literally ready for a whole heapin’ helpin’ of holiday.

AFTER I PUT MY SHORTS AWAY.

So, I'm watching you retailing whores out there. Don't forget about the mince pie.