Doing battle with daily dragons

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Kung Fool

Last night I hurt myself. This is not a new thing. While trying to get out of bed this morning (not as easy as it sounds) I got to thinking about whether or not there is anyone else on the planet who has hurt themselves more than me. The only name that sprung to my mind immediately was Jackie Chan.

The reason that Jackie Chan has hurt himself more than me is that Bruce Lee has never kicked me off the top of a 20 foot wall. For this I am eternally grateful. However, when they were asking for volunteers for this particularly ludicrous stunt, a 17 year old Jackie Chan was the first with his hand in the air saying, (in Mandarin, of course)

“Please, Mr. Bruce Lee sir, most talented and twitchy of Kung Fu masters, I would be honoured for my humble chest to briefly play host to your most worshipful foot before plunging 20 feet to my almost certain death as the safety budget on this picture is about the same as you’d pay for a pack of cheese and peanut butter crackers out of the vending machine.”

Later, on a different picture, he let Bruce Lee kick him through a plate glass window.

I would have been last in line (had I been born a Chinese stuntman) for that particular assignment saying,

“Please Mr. Bruce Lee sir, most wiry and terrifying man who can wipe the floor with my entrails, may I please be the last of the approximately 840 men who attack you so that your mighty fist might be tired enough not to rupture any of my very important internal organs?”

To make a long story short, the reason Jackie Chan has hurt himself more times than me is that, while he is a phenomenal athlete and entertainer, he has very little sense of self-preservation. This is why there is now a small plastic plug where a bit of his skull used to be keeping his brains from spilling out of his head.

Most of my injuries have resulted from pure clumsiness rather than violent martial arts encounters. Last night, I had a pretty extreme wipe out on my snowboard. ( I don’t expect any sympathy. I know my track record as far as snowsports go.) What I found the most amazing about the experience is that even though it happened very quickly, I remember the thought process that went through my mind as it was happening.

9.31.01pm- My board hits a surface near the middle of the slope that is less suited for me than it is for Torville and Dean.

My brain: You are about to have a nasty accident at high speed. I hope I am not about to be severed from your spinal column, but since that appears to be the case, it has been nice working with you for the last 30 years or so.

9.31.02pm- Airborne.

My brain: This is going to hurt quite significantly. Please prepare yourself.

9.31.03-05- Impact. Impact. Impact.

My brain: Ow. Ow. Ow.

9.31.06- Stillness. Significant windknock-outage, whiplash and half the slope down my shirt.

My brain: Wow, I hope someone else saw that. There's no point in the pain we're about to suffer if no one witnessed what was most likely a fairly impressive stack. Okay everybody, I need damage reports stat! Fingers? Check. Collarbone. A tentative check. Neck? NECK? Hey uvula, can you give me a visual on the neck?

So here I sit, the morning after unable to turn my head or bend to my left. I am most desirous that no one attempt to sneak up on my in the next 3 days or so.

Or kick me off a wall.