Doing battle with daily dragons

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


I got pissed off this morning as I was sitting all scrunched up in my bathtub. So I decided to write to my MP to complain about it.

Dear Mr. Bercow,

I’m sick of trying to squeeze my ass into a child size bathtub every morning and trying not to drench the whole room when I wash my armpits.

Please do something about making it easier to buy a house so me and my fat ass can shower in peace.

Kind Regards,

Blogapotamus Rex, constituent, Aylesbury Vale.

All kidding aside, I was doing a little research this morning for the letter which, if I do say so myself, presents the argument beautifully. It breaks down like this:

This is an average couple living in Great Britain. They're white. Other colors don't show up well on pink, so don't bug me about it.

Their individual average yearly salaries come out to £22,411 ($41,203)

They want to buy a house.

The current average house price in Great Britain is £161,700 ($297,523) Just for the record, the average in OUR area is £219,260. ($403,472)

The current mortgage lending rate is 3.5 times their combined salaries, which is about £156,000. This is not taking into account other factors like children or existing debt.

This means that a couple with an AVERAGE YEARLY INCOME of £44,822 a year is left with a £10,000 shortfall when buying a house at the CURRENT AVERAGE PRICE.

This, of course, leads to drinking.
Just this morning, the Bank of Scotland patronizingly suggested that first-time buyers “take advantage of real estate opportunities in the north of the country.” Which, in my mind is a smarmy way of saying, “So what if you have to leave your families, friends, homes and businesses? We’d really appreciate you freeing up the room for our fat cronies to buy their second homes which they’ll then rent out to financiers from the city who want weekend retreats. Be good peasants and move along quietly before we bring the dogs.”

The fight goes on…