Doing battle with daily dragons

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Psychic Connections

According to a letter that I received in the post this morning, I have a new friend.

Her name is Karina Natalia and she’s a psychic. The World’s Greatest, at that. As you can imagine, I read with utmost precipitance that this world famous clairvoyant felt that she and I had a “special bond” and that we could communicate on a “higher level than the physical”. My god, I thought to myself, why has she waited until now to reveal this highly pertinent information? Is there no privacy inside the confines of one’s own head? I certainly would have tried to curtail my fantasies involving bananas and wildebeest had I known that somewhere (Apartment 66, 405 Kings Road, Chelsea, according to the return envelope) there was someone twitching the curtains of my soul.

However, Ms. Natalia got quickly to the point. A mutual friend suggested to her that I was in need of her help. Fair enough, I reasoned, as I have a huge friend base within UK psychic circles, we were bound to run into eachother at some point.

It turns out that within the next few weeks, Ms. Natalia is travelling to Lourdes and in return for some recent good fortune that has recently befallen her, she wants “pay the miracle forward” and “do something wonderful for someone else in return.” How immensely lucky I am that my preternatural advocate immediately thought of me!

In return for this gesture of immense goodwill, Ms. Natalia seeks no recompense. Dear me, no. To ask for money in exchange for prayer and best wishes would be SO 14th century. Not only that, but she’s willing to send me a framable certificate just to prove that my prayer has been said at the holy shrine of Lourdes. To help me decide what is in the forefront of my heart, she has included a sheet with common causes for prayer; simply tick the box that applies to me personally. Do I:

-need money? (if so, please check the amount: 5,000, 15,000, 25,000, 50,000, 75,000. Apparently 100k is taking the piss as far as Our Lady is concerned.)

-need a protective prayer for my pet?

-need a prayer for love and romance?

-need a prayer to improve my health?

-need a prayer for luck at (tick one) playing the lottery, betting on horses, cards, gambling in casinos or bingo?

To solidify the “special bond” between us she’s been thoughtful enough to include a “wish card” that I’m to keep in my pillow until the moment of her prayer, when I’m to hold it tightly and concentrate with all of my might so that my energy and hers might be joined in order to bring my request to pick the right Thunderball numbers closer to the ears of Our Lady.

As Ms. Natalia’s beautifully computer written letter (very nice, hardly any spaces between the instances of my name and the rest of the text.) gently flutters into the recycle bin I contemplate how nice it would be to receive a genuine offer of good wishes from a stranger.

Perhaps Ms. Natalia will think so to when I use her signature and her pre-pay envelope to send a sizable donation where it's needed most.