Doing battle with daily dragons

Monday, January 09, 2006

Putting Out Fires

Our bodies are seriously amazing bits of kit. There’s not a manufacturer in the world who doesn’t envy the kind of design nature put into the making of a human being.

One of the most incredible bits has got to be the stomach. Think of it this way; inside your gut, there are chemicals that would eat clean through the desk that your computer is sitting on right now and yet...OUR BODIES MANAGE TO CONTAIN THEM IN WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY A BAG OF MEAT. This is a pretty damned impressive thing.

My bag of meat, however, is not functioning quite the way it should. I seem to be afflicted with the scourge of high powered stockbrokers and Republican PR personnel everywhere: acid reflux.

I’ve had the condition for a couple of years, but in the last few days, it’s really starting getting on my nerves. It’s my understanding that it’s fairly unusual for someone my age to be blighted with an aggressive form this particular condition, but, plaything of the gods as I am, it’s hardly surprising to me that this is the case. In the last few days, I have spent many hours in the last few days thinking acidic, stomach related thoughts like, “Ow, dammit.” or “Owie!” or even “Dear god, OW!”

My doctor explained it to me simply. “The little trap door at the base of your oesophagus didn’t close properly at some point and allowed some acid to splash in, causing the rather sore spot that’s making you miserable.” Sadly, the only remedy is cutting out everything that tastes good, anything that’s really hot (tea) and anything that’s really cold. (ice cream) This of course, makes me want to die, but not quite as much as this reflux nonsense.

So I shall suck it up and fill myself with blandness until the campfire burning in my innards is extinguished by my in-house forest rangers.

I want my money back.